Club Penguin
From Walrus Wiki
Club Penguin is a multi-player Adobe Flash Game developed by New Horizon Interactive in 2005. Club Penguin in general is not technically a cause for walrus raids, but the game tends to bring out the idiocy in its members, which is why at least 99% of raid victims are Club Penguin players, whom we frequently refer to as pengfags. Pengfags are notorious for being both immature and retarded, and one of the best sources of lulz around. Despite popular belief, pengfags aren't just kids, they come in all shapes and sizes.
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Gameplay
LOLWUT? Club Penguin isn't a game. It's just a ploy created by Canadian Jews to get kids to fork up loads of cash from their parents' PayPal accounts and credit cards so that those same kids would try to best each other by bragging about how great their fictional clothes and furniture are.
After kids realize that making a Club Penguin account and buying clothes and other shit for their virutal penguin avatar doesn't make them any cooler OL or IRL, there isn't much to do but walk around aimlessly, wasting time they could be using to do something productive for once, like go outside, until they meet up with one of their e-buddies for casual penguin cybering.
Mini-Games
The head Jews at Club Penguin knew that their so-called "game" was pretty boring and pointless. To spruce up their AIDS-infested piece of flash crap, they added and continue to add "mini-games" to Club Penguin. They're themed to a certain room, and unlike Club Penguin itself, these games usually have a point (irony?). However, once you've beaten your high score, it becomes boring, and your life returns to being pathetic and meaningless once again.
Censorship
It's a proven fact that Canadians don't believe in free speech. As a result, over 9,000 words are blocked by Club Penguin's word filter. It started out just as a way to block naughty words and phrases deemed inappropriate by Club Penguin, such as "this game is boring" or "Jews did WTC." But after a local census, Club Penguin realized that the vast majority of their userbase consisted of pedophiles trying to flirt with delicious lolis and shota, so they blocked the use of numbers.
Then just to fuck with you, they blocked the use of symbols. So now, you can't even end your sentences, unless you use an exclamation and/or question mark. You're better off just using Club Penguin's pre-determined conversation bubbles because not only does it block at least 99% of what you say, it doesn't even tell you that what you said was blocked. So you could end up thinking you're talking to someone for 5 minutes, except they didn't see anything you just said, so you get pissed because you figured they were just ignoring you (they probably were anyway).
B&L&
This is one of the only things that would cause pengfags to make a noose and just end it all, besides Linkin Park disbanding, being grounded from Guitar Hero, or Family Guy being canceled for good. Saying a curse word, getting caught doing something inappropriate by a moderator, hacking, or having a bad name are just a few of the 9,001 ways to get b& on Club Penguin. One offense is 24 hours, two is 72 hours, and a third offense is a permab&. When someone is permab& on Club Penguin, extreme BAWWWWing and butthurt ensues. If you ask anyone in the Club Penguin community why their account was permab&, they'll tell you it was because their account was hax0red by "someone," which is obviously complete bullshit. They probably got caught saying "bitch" one too many times when they had an e-breakup with their make-believe girlfriend (despite the undeniable fact that there are no girls on the Internet.)
History
Old Club Penguin
Club Penguin was created last Thursday, or moar specifically, October 25th, 2005. It started out as a humble flash game for middle-class white kids with nothing better to do. People would pick a username, log in, walk around and chat with their friends in the form of a penguin avatar. Kids that knew their parents' Paypal password could pay for membership, which allowed them to dress up their penguin and decorate an "igloo" for it to live in.
The game was pretty simple, and didn't really have a goal. There were minigames and different activities for people to do liek eat pizza, drink coffee, and have unorganized and pointless snowball fights. However, the game was only fun for kids that actually had friends. Unfortunately, the main demographic of the Club Penguin userbase consisted of lonely, low-life 13-year-old boys. As a result, many pengfags complained about how boring it is. All of those shitdips with no friends needed the game to have a new purpose to cure their boredom.
Thus ending the era of the Old Club Penguin, and beginning the AIDS-infested shithole that is the New Club Penguin that never seems to go away.
New Club Penguin
Now that the ratio between bored faglets and the rest of the userbase has shifted, the game that used to waste the time of kids everywhar had succumb to the aforementioned faglets that felt the game had to have a purpose, and that purpose was born - FAMOUZ PENGUINZ R UBER AWESOME!!!11!!1!!!shift1! Being "famous" as defined by pengfags is the ability to be followed around by over 9000 random strangers every time you log in, begging for you to add them to their buddy list or they'll sob uncontrollably and later cut themselves.
Rare penguins
Pengfags all over the game wanted to obtain this new virtual-social status. They figured if you can't make any actual friends, why not just be followed around by dozens of strangers pretending to want to be your friend? I mean, it's totally the same thing. There are many methods to become a "famous penguin." Some don't even have to lift a finger; because they were around when Old Club Penguin existed, and possess many rare items, they're already famous. The best of the best penguins, according to pengfags, are "beta penguins;" those who were around to play the game while it was in beta testing and attended the first party to receive a pink-and-yellow, totally awesome gay "beta hat."
Club Penguin blogs
The most populrar method of gaining popularity is making a "Club Penguin blog." The blog doesn't have to have any work put into it. Just follow these steps for instant Club Penguin e-cred.
- Sign up for a Wordpress account.
- Copy and paste the updates from the official Club Penguin news page.
- Take screenshots to be uploaded into the BEST FUCKING IMAGE EDITOR EVAR MADE Microsoft Paint, usually as a blurry .jpg file.
- Plagiarize other kids' blogs.
- ????
- HITS!
Now that your blog has over 9000 hits and gets at least 100 comments a day, you're a famous penguin, so expect hoards of fans shitdips following you wherever you go.
JewTube
The other most populrar method of enlarging your penguin's e-pen0r is signing up for a YouTube account and posting shitty, pointless videos you made using Unregistered Hypercam 2. Since anyone that actually does this is an unoriginal fucktard, most videos are just "CP music videos." These fail-infested pieces of shit consist of nothing moar than a slideshow of screenshots to the .mp3 playing in the background. PROTIP: Most people that make Club Penguin videos on YouTube are also owners of a Club Penguin blog.
Club Penguin Armies
In one last ditch effort to gain even moar popularity, pengfags ranging from the most famous to the least cared about decided to create "armies," or moar specifically, cults, to assimilate kids to their beliefs. They choose what they wear, what they say, and where they go. These armies go around "causing destruction" by throwing snowballs at random people and bragging about their respective army. When one army goes to "war" with another army, they chase each other around from room to room throwing snowballs at each other until the team's members slowly log off and disappear, because it's probably way past their bedtimes. Then both armies post about their "victory" on their Wordpress blogs. And the same thing happens the next day, and the next day.
Club Penguin armies have become popular because they offer nobodies that don't have any rare items, don't know how to make a blog, and are too lazy to make a YouTube video a chance to be accepted, since you don't have to have any friends or people skills to join an army.
Armies targeted by #iamthewalrus:
Disney Takeover
Main Article: Disney
Despite cries of butthurt from pengfags, Disney purchased Club Penguin on August 1st, 2007. Disney pissed off the majority of the Club Penguin userbase by improving the game, adding moar features, and donating profits to charity organizations across the planet! Fucking assholes.
Pengfags
Pengfags, otherwise known as the Club Penguin userbase, are a special group of autistic retards desperate for attention. Pengfags, despite anything you tell them, believe that Club Penguin is serious motherfucking business and comparable to real life. As a result, this AIDS-inducing infestation of faggotry must be removed from the Internets at all cost.
Am I a pengfag?
So you play Club Penguin, and you're wondering whether or not you're a pengfag. Take this quick survey below to find out, and remember to answer each of the questions as honestly as possible. You might just learn something new about yourself...
- Are you over the age of 20?
- Do you consider yourself a god?
- Do you think making shitty Youtube videos means your life is important?
- Do you abuse your powers and enjoy being hated by everyone?
- Do you think you're more important than you really are?
- Do you not have any friends?
- Do you believe vandalizing articles makes you a l33t hax0r?
- Do you enjoy milking kids for money?
- Do you impersonate other people for attention?
- Do you think calling yourself a hacker means you actually are one?
- Do you feel the need to preach the word of the Lawd despite no one giving a shit?
- Did you dare #iamthewalrus to dox you?
- Did you once get fired from working at a website, and then make a dramaqueen out of yourself?
- Are you an unoriginal fucktard trying to be cool?
- Are you at da beach?
- Did tehy tell you to join?
Congratulations! A pengfag is you!
The Pengfag Hotline
Main Article: Pengfag Hotline
What do you do if you see a pengfag? Simple; just call #iamthewalrus' official Pengfag Hotline at 1-877-PENGFAG, and explain exactly who it was you saw and where you saw them.
Staff
Disney employs a large array of idiots to take up the simple task of drawing a new, exciting issue of The Penguin Times weekly, each going up to a massive five pages! Nevertheless, Club Penguin Staff still finds the time to lurk into #iamthewalrus's affairs, all the while thinking a tracer can stop #iamthewalrus.
Dox
It is currently known that at least two staffers are regularly out to spy on #iamthewalrus, Xipzirc, and ps34eva123, both aliases.
General
The following is general information of all Club Penguin spies.
Location: Kelowna, Canada IP: 208.87.198.126 ISP: Dargal Solutions
Xipzirc
Xipzirc, sometimes under the alternate alias p1x1b10x, is no stranger to #iamthewalrus. Once trying to join only to be trolled beyond belief; whoever this person is, they're likely either a developer or even one of the co-creators of Club Penguin.
OS: Mac OS X Browser: Firefox 3.5 Screen resolution: 1280x1024
ps34eva123
Mostly known for attempting to spy on the Penguin Client System's forums, ps34eva123 is another spy, likely a community service representative (moderation/email duties).
OS: Windows XP Browser: Google Chrome 3.0 Screen resolution: 1680x1050
See also
External links
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